Gain a deeper understanding of autism and ADHD through the lens of the nervous system. This practical guide explores why behaviours occur, how sensory processing, executive functioning and body awareness influence daily life, and how supportive, neuroaffirming responses can help children feel safe, understood and thrive.
Essay · 7 min · 29 July 2026
"Rather than asking, 'Why are they behaving this way?', it can be more helpful to ask: 'What might be making this difficult for them right now?'"
Why home is often where the challenges are most visible
Many parents tell me:
“They’re fine at school… then they come home and everything falls apart.”
Or:
“They won’t unpack their bag, do their chores or even brush their teeth without a battle.”
It can be confusing because it looks like they’re choosing not to cooperate.
More often, what’s happening is that their nervous system has reached its limit.
School takes an enormous amount of energy
For many autistic and ADHD children, school is not simply about learning.
Throughout the day they may be working incredibly hard to:
These are things many neurotypical children do automatically. For aneurodivergent child, they can require conscious effort all day long.
By the time they get home, they are often mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.
Home is where they feel safe enough to stop masking.
Many neurodivergent children spend the school day trying very hard to meet expectations.
This is often called masking – consciously or unconsciously hiding traits, suppressing natural responses or working hard to fit in.
Holding this together all day takes an enormous amount of energy.
When they get home, they’re finally in a place where their nervous system feels safe enough to let go.
That might look like:
Often, they’re not giving their best to school and their worst to home. They’re giving everything they have to get through the day, and home is where there is nothing left in the tank.
The toll on self-worth
Beyond masking, many autistic children and ADHD children are also very aware that they feel different from their peers. They often notice that tasks other children seem to manage easily require enormous effort from them. Repeated experiences of struggling, being corrected or feeling “behind” can gradually affect self-worth. Many children begin to believe they are lazy, difficult or not good enough, when in reality their brain is simply working differently.
This is why the messages children receive at home matter so much. When parents understand that these challenges reflect differences in brain development rather than a lack of effort or motivation, they can help protect their child’s self-worth. Hearing messages such as “Your brain works differently,” “This is hard for you, and that’s okay,” or “Let’s work out what support you need,” helps children develop self-understanding, self-compassion and resilience rather than self-blame. Over time, those messages become the way they learn to speak to themselves.
Understanding what is driving your child’s behaviour
Although ADHD and autism are different neurodevelopmental conditions, they have many overlapping features. Both can affect executive functioning, emotional regulation, sensory processing and recognising the body’s internal signals. The outward behaviour may look similar, but the underlying reasons are not always the same.
When a Child Is Both Autistic and ADHD (AuDHD)
Many children are both autistic and ADHD (often referred to as AuDHD).
Throughout this paper, autism and ADHD have been discussed separately to help explain some of the common differences associated with each neurotype. In reality, however, these differences often interact with one another. An AuDHD child may experience characteristics of both at the same time, creating a profile that is unique to them.
For example, they might:
Because both neurotypes are influencing their experience, an AuDHD child’s needs can sometimes appear contradictory.
They may long for predictability while simultaneously seeking novelty. They may genuinely want to begin a task but be unable to get started. They may know exactly what needs to be done yet struggle to organise themselvesto do it.
Rather than asking, “Why are they behaving this way?”, it can be more helpful to ask:
“What might be making this difficult for them right now?”
The answer may change from one day – or even one moment – to the next. By looking beneath the behaviour and considering what their brain and nervous system are managing, we can respond with greater curiosity, compassion and support.
Executive functioning
Executive functioning refers to a set of brain skills that help us plan, organise and carry out everyday tasks.
These skills help us:
Although executive functioning differences occur in both autism and ADHD, they may show up in different ways. ADHD children often struggle to initiate tasks because the brain struggles to generate enough activation, whilst autistic children may know exactly why they need to do something but become overwhelmed by the planning, sequencing, uncertainty or transitions involved. Many children experience a combination of both.
Why Everyday Tasks Can Feel So Hard
Parents often expect children to contribute at home, which is an important life skill.
However, the timing can make a huge difference.
Afterschool is often when:
What looks like refusing to help may actually be a child who has no capacity left in that moment.
That doesn’t necessarily mean removing expectations altogether. It may mean adjusting when those expectations happen, breaking tasks into smaller steps, or allowing some recovery time first.
ADHD and everyday tasks
Parents often wonder why a child can spend hours building Lego or playing Minecraft but can’t empty the dishwasher.
This isn’t about motivation in the usual sense.
The ADHD brain relies heavily on dopamine to activate action.
Tasks that are:
don’t generate enough dopamine for the brain to engage easily.
That’s why simple chores can feel incredibly difficult to begin.
It’s not that they don’t know they should do them.
Their brain struggles to generate the “go” signal.
Autism and everyday tasks
Autistic children may also find everyday tasks and chores difficult, but often for different reasons.
Many autistic children genuinely want to help but find the demands of the task overwhelming.
Difficulties may arise because of:
For example, when asked to unpack a school bag, a child may be processing far more than adults realise.
They may need to:
After a full day at school, these demands may simply exceed the capacity their nervous system has available.
Body Awareness (Interoception)
Just as executive functioning affects how children organise and complete tasks, body awareness (known as interoception) influences how well they recognise what is happening inside their own bodies.
Interoception is the brain’s ability to notice internal signals such as:
When these signals are difficult to detect, it becomes much harder to respond before the nervous system reaches its limit.
Autistic perspective
Many autistic children experience ongoing differences in interoception. Their brains simply don’t register internal body signals as clearly or as early as neurotypical children.
They may not realise they are:
From the outside, this can look like behaviour that appears to come “out of nowhere.” In reality, their nervous system has often been signalling for some time – they just haven’t been able to recognise those signals until they become urgent or overwhelming.
ADHD perspective
ADHD children often experience a different pattern.
They are generally capable of recognising internal body signals, but during periods of hyperfocus their attention becomes so absorbed in one activity that those signals fade into the background.
This might mean they:
The difficulties ADHD children experience with regulating their emotions is often a combination of hyperfocus, impulsivity and executive functioning differences. It is this combination that can make it difficult to notice or respond to emotional signals in particular before they become urgent.
Supporting the Nervous System
Many children benefit from a period of nervous system recovery before being asked to meet further demands.
Recovery might look like:
These activities aren’t rewards or “spoiling” a child. They help restore the nervous system’s capacity, making it easier to manage everyday tasks and expectations.
Other helpful strategies include:
A Different Question
Instead of asking: “Why won’t they do it?”
Try asking: “What might their nervous system be dealing with right now?”
Many of the behaviours we see in autistic and ADHD children reflect differences in how their brains process information, manage energy, respond to sensory input and regulate emotions. These differences are sometimes misunderstood as laziness, poor parenting or a lack of respect, when they are actually a reflection of how the child’s nervous system is functioning.
Understanding this doesn’t mean lowering expectations. It means matching expectations to the child’s current capacity, providing the support they need, and recognising that skills develop most effectively when children feel safe, understood and supported.
